politics FAQ

So are you a conservative?  You seem kind of conservative...

Please refer to the answer to the next question.

So are you a liberal?  You seem pretty liberal...

Morons!  Are you really telling me there are only two kinds of people in the world, and that they're all split between two complex sets of views?  Sounds a lot like religion to me, but with fewer options!

Well, you have to fall somewhere on the spectrum, is it toward the left or the right?

I will list my views on 'hot button' issues here, to end this debate, to let you decide for yourself.

How do you feel about abortion?

Women.  I'm not one.  For me to have an opinion about this would be like you deciding what I'm going to wear tomorrow.  I do believe that future laws governing this issue should be decided entirely by women.  Also, the supreme court already ruled on it, DEAD ISSUE, leave it alone.

Homeless people, we should help them, right?

Wrong.  We should put a ten dollar-a-head bounty on them like we do for foxes, grind up the bodies, then sell the meat to developing nations for low low prices.

Um, you're kidding, right?

No.  If you've nothing positive to contribute to society, get the hell out.

What about cripples and old people?

What does a herd of gazelles do when one of them gets sick or injured?  Hang around and wait for their comrade to get better?  Not a chance.  Leave these people on the curb and let's move on.  Unless you want to take it upon yourself to help them, that's perfectly okay too.  But it's not everyone's responsibility.

So you probably don't support socialized medicine, right?

Actually, I do.  Once the homeless are all shot and processed, they won't be abusing our hospital system to such a ridiculous extent and maybe we can compete with Cuba and Canada by helping sick people.  Example:  homeless people in Pittsburgh don't have to stay in shelters as long as they pretend to be suicidal, so the state pays about a thousand dollars, sometimes more, every night to house these worthless bastards, but the poor bastard who actually has a job and insurance can be kicked out if said hospital doesn't take it.  And guess who actually ends up paying a bill if one gets sent out, the worker or the slacker?

Gun control?  For it?  Against it?

Guns are good.  It's the only way we'll be able to defend ourselves against the US government when it starts to fall apart.  Personally, I don't like guns, but the idea of taking them away from everyone seems like an awfully familiar prerequisite for silencing dissent.

What do you think of prayer in school?

If kids want to pray to their all-powerful imaginary friends, more power to them.  It won't stop them from getting wedgies or from having to eat Sloppy Joes, but it doesn't hurt anyone.  However, that's not what you're asking me, is it?  You want to know how I feel about mandatory prayer time in school.  That's retarded.  That's making everyone pander to the desires of one group of illiterate inbreeds.

Yes, but the death penalty...what do you think?

Listen, I never understand how some people can be pro-life and then pro-death and how these are not OPPOSITE terms.  You can't save the babies and then kill the minorities.  I know we really want it as a deterrent, and what better deterrent than killing someone, but the fact is that it's not perfect, and HUNDREDS of innocent people have been killed.  Besides, if your god wanted these people dead like you claim he does, it's well within his power to kill them himself. 

What do you think of education?

In Europe, they pay for your college education.  It's so egalitarian, isn't it?  I think it makes sense to pay to educate people.  Here, we use colleges as a means of enforcing the caste system.  Poor people can't afford to go to college.  I'm poor, and I can't afford to go to college.  But these frat bastards with executive parents can coast through and right into the corporations deciding who we'll bomb next.  Good idea!

What do you think of the War in Iraq?

We got rid of a secular (non-religious), sovereign government that we installed and set up an Islamic regime that will do a much better job oppressing women and supporting Iran than the previous government.  Way to go!  Also, weapons?  Mass destruction?  Hm?

What do you think of the War in Afghanistan?

I think Osama bin Laden and George Bush are on the same payroll.  I think the same slick Texas businessmen (i.e. Dick Cheney) have done a great job at orchestrating this war and getting that pipeline that the Taliban was so opposed to.  Also, it just seems a little too convenient that we're guarding said pipeline and still haven't found our needed icon of enmity.

What do you think of the War on Terror in general?

Wars are things nations do to each other.  Terror is an abstract noun.  It's just like the War on Poverty or the War on Drugs.  There's a reason these people hate us, and it's because our corporations are going into their sovereign nations and interfering with their values, their self-determination, and their lives in general. 

What are you, some kind of terrorist?

What I meant to say is: they're just bad people who hate us for no reason!  Doesn't that make more sense?  They hate our freedom!  They're jealous of how rich and important we are! 

So you hate our patriotic Wars, and you don't like George Bush.  That makes you a dirty liberal, so HA!

Um, deficit?  We didn't have one before.  Seems we've spent half a trillion dollars and a lot of it went to companies supporting these wars.  How strange.  Look up the meaning of the word 'conservative' if you're confused about why you're the moron here.

So what, we can just print as much money as we want!  Screw the deficit!

Hyperinflation.  The fall of Nazi Germany.  I don't expect you to know about these things if you're willing to make the above statement.

How do you feel about gay people?

They are so gay.  They probably have homosexual sex!  With each other!  How shocking!  Who cares?  Are you telling me you want a government that goes into peoples' houses to make sure they have disexual Christian sex?  To make sure that they use the missionary position?  Stereotypes associated with gay people are cleanliness, non-violence, and tolerance.  I can see how these things might upset you.

Yes, but now they want to get married!

And why not?  You can't really screw someone until you can divorce them.  Everyone should have this basic human right.

Do you have any other FAQ pages on this site?

Yes.  There's a [peachycomics.com FAQ], a [music FAQ] and a [Daikon Warrior FAQ]

Any other politics questions?  I will be happy to think for you about these difficult issues.  Send your queries to jbaugher@rocketmail.com.